Sry I called you an 8
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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