you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
