I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
