I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
