2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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