Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
