My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
