I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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