Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
