Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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