Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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