billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
