I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
