god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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