i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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