You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
