I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
