Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
