Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
