If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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