I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
