I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
