are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
