I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Small penises have feelings too.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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