Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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