My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
