Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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