My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
