Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
