Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
