It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
