I just pynch a tree in the face
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
