8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
