If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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