How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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