You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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