Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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