Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
