Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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