wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
