This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
