so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
