Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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