i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
