I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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