Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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