did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
