the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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