I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
