that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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